You Learned your Lesson

Today is a very important day for me. It's such a bittersweet day.
Today marks the one year anniversary of me being cut-free.
On this very day last year my mom found me out. She read all my texts and we had a two hour conversation.
I handled it very bad. And very immature.
I haven't hurt myself with any kind of blade for exactly one year.
That is such a huge accomplishment on my part. I never thought that I would get over that addiction.
I still haven't completely gotton over it. And I don't think I ever will.
But I am handling it a lot better than I did at the beginning.
I told you that at camp I felt like the spirit of depression was broken off of me. And it has. I no longer feel this lingering cloud of depression hanging over my head. It's the most amazing feeling in the world.
But the feeling of depression still comes and goes a little now and then. And when it comes back....that's when I want to cut.
And I want all of that stronghold to leave my life. But a part of me doesn't want it to.
That sounds so bad but I'm just being totally honest here!
I really wish that I didn't feel like that.
It saddens me.
But I will conquer it. And with God's help...I may never cut again.

But I wanted to share something with you.
I never show anybody what I write in my diary, but there is this one excerpt that I read a little while ago that I just have to share with you guys.
Here goes.

Article #54          8/23/11

"Life is but a vapor, just like a dream it vanishes with the morning. But the effects last a lot longer. I don't understand a lot of things but I do know that it will eventually get better. I mean, how could it get any worse than what it is now?
Life is so unfair! But then what is fair? If all things were fair than I should be damned to hell. But Jesus has rescued me! He is the only one who would die so that I could be with him for eternity in Heaven. It's such a frightening concept, but it is so beautiful. I mean, God loves me! He loves me! A sinner who can't see past my own nose. But yet he died for me. I just can't believe that someone could even love me that much; yet He does."

I wrote this just a little bit after my mom found out about my problem. It's amazing how much a person can change in just the course of a year.
I was thinking today, my friends must have loved me a LOT to have put up with me the past two years. I was a jerk! I never realized how much of one I was until recently.

About a week ago I was reading in the book of Joshua. And while I was reading I just felt like God was desperately trying to tell me something. I just started praying and then finished reading.
Here are the verses that read. I was so astounded! I was crying, and laughing, and just in pure amazement. God is so creative.

Joshua 7:10, 12b-13
"The Lord said to Joshua, "Stand up! What are you doing down on your face?
I will not be with you anymore unless you destroy whatever among you is devoted to destruction. Go, consecrate yourselves in preparation for tomorrow; for this is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: That which is devoted is among you, O Israel. You cannot stand against your enemies until you remove it."

Wow. I just read those and was like "did you write that for me?"
I was just super shocked to find those verses. I didn't even know they were in there.
It just shows how important it is to read your Bible. I don't want to sound preachy or anything, but, you have to read your Bible. I didn't realize that till recently. And my life has been so much better! In every aspect.
Those verses are saying, get up! Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop being depressed. Life is an adventure. And yours sucks!
You have stuff in your life that is going to destroy you.
For me, it's cutting and depression.
For you, it may be drugs, sex, your music, friends, family, anything.
But whatever it is, you have to get rid of it. Because only then will you be strong enough to conquer your enemies.
I don't know about you, but I hate losing. It's the worst feeling in the world. I plan on winning this battle in my life. My enemies, the devil, they aren't going to get the best of me.
Ya know, your going to realize that those obstacles that you are facing right now aren't half as strong as you are. You are going to get over this. But you have to get up off your face!
Now!
Please do it soon.
Lovingly,
Don't do what I did.