Throughout the Tears

The past 13 days have been...well, how do I say this?
Trying.
Confusing.
Frustrating.
Irritating.
Depressing.
All that jazz.
Life is so disappointing.
I'm not going to go into any details...really.
Let's just say that my small 3 person family...is now a large 7 person family.
Yeah! Crazy right? My thoughts exactly.
Ha! It's actually kind of funny, now that I think about it. My family practically doubled. Wow!

Last night I kind of had an explosion.
Ha!
It was so stupid. One of the new four members of my family is a two year old. And we found a sharpie. And the sharpie met my guitar case. And it's permanent. Music is my life. And I was super pissed! You can imagine!
So I started sobbing. Over something as stupid as that!
I wasn't really crying about that.
Only 16 more days....then it will have been four years.
I just can't even think about it.
That's what I was really crying about.
And then I watched the movie "Letters to God."
If you have ever seen that movie than you are probably tearing up right now. It's sooo sad! The little boy has cancer...and every day he writes a letter to God. He prays to Him through writing. Sweetest thing ever. In the end the little boy dies.
It just reminds me of my daddy. How we prayed to God every single day to heal him. And yet...He didn't.
I was reading through my journal again...
And I came across another entry. If you don't mind I want to share this one with you too.

Article #49 7/21/11
"Changes that have occurred in my life since I have become a Christian:
I see the sin in my life more clearly.
I feel bad when I do sin.
I have less tolerance for sin in my life.
I see sin more clearly in others lives.
I want to get closer to God.
Now every time that I cry I know that Jesus is wiping away my tears. I know that He is collecting them in a bottle. It feels like every time I cry my heart gets cleaner. Some black chunk that has been loosed is coming out. I just hope that my heart cleans out fast."

I thought about this entry last night when I was crying.
I just want you to know that I didn't become a Christian when I wrote that. I became a Christian back when I was 6  years old. But that was when I rededicated my life to Him. I have done that so many times since I stopped cutting. I guess that you can never really feel completely clean on the inside when you've done something like that. Or maybe eventually you do...but it must take a lot of time and patience.
I hope that you guys are really enjoying reading my diary. Because you guys are the only ones, besides me, who have ever read anything in it. And I seriously can't believe that I am posting this on the Internet. But you guys mean something really special to me. Even though I don't personally know like any of you, and probably you don't me personally at all. Except through this, of course. But I love you guys so much!
It is because of you that I do this. Seriously, when I feel depressed or down I blog. Sorry if most of my posts are a little bit of a downer. I just have to get it out somewhere!
I hope that you are having an amazing summer! I know that I am! Love you soooo much!
Lovingly,
Your very tired author