I Guess

I have tried to blog every day for the past three or four days.
Obviously I didn't.
I guess that I've just had a mind block or something. I still kind of do because so far I have no idea what I'm doing.
I guess that I'm just going to tell you about my vacation this past weekend.
Last Sunday we left for Corpus Christi, Texas. We got back in town yesterday afternoon.
It was nice.
But I didn't have the best time.
I mean, I was at the beach! Who doesn't love the beach? I love it. But I wasn't happy.
And now I think I know why.
I was wishing that I was somewhere else the whole time.
Bummer.
I could have had the best week of my summer. And I was almost miserable the entire time.
I am so stupid. Now I know better.
Ha!

This past month at my youth group the theme has been "Oh Captain, My Captain."
It's about letting God take the wheel of your life. Making him the Captain of your life.
Do you know how hard that is?
REALLY HARD.
The past few months I have been really trying to make God my captain.
And sadly, I think I'm failing.
You have to surrender, body and soul, mind and spirit, your entire existence, 100% to Him.
I think I'm at about 60%.
I'm getting there. And eventually I will be 100% committed to God. He will be my Captain and nothing will ever be able to move Him from that spot.
That spot was created for Him.
It's taken me 17 years to figure that out.
I really wish that I would have known that four years ago, or even one year ago.
I could have saved myself...no....God could have saved me from some major heartbreaks.
I guess what I'm trying to say here is to just let God captain your ship.
Figure that out now! Before you have so many walls built up inside that it's almost impossible for you to let God in.
That probably sounds like I'm really exaggerating here. But I'm not.
Believe what you want.
But I know that if you take my advice now...instead of later. It will be sooo much better for you in the long run!

I love all you guys! Thanks so much for taking the time to read this and to think about what I'm trying to say.
Oh! I almost forgot. I haven't been doing my bucket list!
I hope that you guys have been doing yours! I still can't wait to see some of what you guys are hoping to accomplish in your life.
Here are the next two of mine.

#9 Have a pet tiger, lion, and bear
(I'll probably wait to have these till Heaven. I know that at least there I won't get hurt by them!)
#10 Live in Australia and France
(These are my two favorite other countries! They are both so amazing!)

Great news! I actually have accomplished one of my goals.
Number 14 was "pet a jellyfish". Well while I was at the beach I was swimming in the ocean and looked down and their were a lot of jellyfish. The beach we were at had a lot of jellyfish. We actually got stung my them a lot. And it was really painful. Anyways, I did pet a jellyfish. A dead one and a live one! They feel like jello.

Keep on dreaming!
Miriam

I'm Not Settling

I got back from youth camp on Wednesday. It was so amazing. The band Hyland was there, they were like our worship team for the week. It was pretty amazing.
I played beastie ball...and got flipped in the mud, tackled in the mud, and covered with mud.
Over all, it was a pretty epic four days.
Anyways, that's not the point I'm trying to make. I was delivered.
I was set free! That spirit of depression that has been living in me for the past four years...I feel like it's finally gone. And that's a lot to say! I mean, I was a terrible person! Just read back to further blog posts and find out who I am...was. I'm not longer that person.
The Lord really spoke to me out there. And not just for me...for you. I have something for you. A special word of advice. I didn't make this up. I found it. In the last place imaginable.
The Bible.
In my last blog post I said how I was scared to open my Bible. I was terrified to feel like I was being judged by God. But that was so stupid!
I have been devouring the Bible this week. And I really feel like I am leaving the old me, the terrible me, in the shadows. And I want to feel the way that I'm feeling! It's an amazing, beautiful, sensation. I can't even begin to describe how wonderful I feel right now.
So here's my advice to you, from God.

Jude 1:12-13
"These men are blemishes at your love feast, eating with you without the slightest qualm-shepherds who feed only themselves. They are clouds without rain, blown along by the wind; autumn trees, without fruit and uprooted-twice dead. They are wild waves of the sea, foaming up their shame; wandering stars, for whom blackest darkness has been reserved forever."
This is us before that freedom. This was me, two weeks ago. I was the wild waves, the wandering stars. I was homeless, not feeling like I really belonged anywhere.

Jude 1:17-21
"But, dear friends, remember what the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ foretold. They said to you, "In the last times there will be scoffers who will follow their own ungodly desires." These are the men you divide you, who follow mere natural instincts and do not have the Spirit.
But you, dear friends, build yourselves up in your most holy faith and pray in the Holy Spirit. Keep yourselves in God's love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life."
As I was reading this yesterday afternoon, I realized something amazing. You have to pray in the Holy Spirit every day, or you will die spiritually.
If you don't know what the Holy Spirit is, it's not anything weird. It's in the Bible, just leave me a comment and I'll explain it to you in full!
Most people don't ever quote Jude. But these verses, are now the verses of my life. I will dwell on them, commit them to memory, and speak them. For they are words of wisdom that I have been blessed with. I hope that you fully grasp the meaning of what He is trying to tell you.

So that was what I learned by reading my Bible. But I want to share with you what I learned at camp.
You know that stupid excuse that people say, the one where "Oh, they're only teenagers, it's okay." or "she's 16, she's still too young to do anything."
I mean, what does that even mean? Is there a certain age where you automatically grow up and start making a difference? Why don't people ever say, "Oh he's only 32, he's too old to make a difference."?
I'm sick and tired of hearing adults, and other teenagers, say that we can't do anything and make excuses for us because of our age! I mean if who we are today is who we are going to be for the rest of our lives, why not start making changes now. It makes sense! At least, I think so.
I'm not longer going to stand for it. I'm going to make a difference. But I have to be the one to make that first decision.
You can make a difference too.
This whole blog is centered around us making a difference in a fallen world. We don't necessarily have to do it by winning people to Christ. We can do it with a smile, a hug, helping someone with a campaign, volunteering somewhere. Basically anything where we give of ourselves and impact others.
I know that I try to do that on a daily basis. Do you?
I feel like our generation could be the big changer. The one that brings about a major revival to this nation, to this world!
But we have to make that decision!
We, as the human race, are so self-focused.
We are always thinking about ourselves. Our friends. Our jobs. Our own little world.
But is that all that life is?
YOLO?
I know that if that's all life is, then it's not enough! Because I'm not about to settle! I want more! I want to see people impacted by my testimony. To have people look up to me because I 'm not willing to settle for an "okay" life. I don't want to just get married, have a job, and two and half kids. That's nice. But I don't want nice. I want radical!
I breathe radical.
My blood pounds with something more than original.
It flows with change. It yearns for something more.
Difference.
I will make a difference.
Will you join me? Will you help break this bondage of mediocre life being okay?
I'm not settling.

Songwriter

Tomorrow I leave for camp. I'm sooo excited! This will be like the best week of the summer.

Anyways, I wanted to run something by you. I while ago I wrote this song. But I can't come up with the right tune or chords. I've been working on it for months and nothing seems to click!
I wanted to give you the lyrics and see what you all thought. If you guys have any suggestions please tell me.

Here goes! I don't normally show anyone my work but this one I really like.

Greatest Sacrifice:
Verse 1:
As I wait here for any sign of you
I realise just how great you are
The wonder of you life,
The greatness of your sacrifice,
You unending love and I thank you.
Chorus:
I thank you for your love, your life, your great sacrifice.
The unselfishness of your son,
and the wonder of your patience.
Thank you Lord! 2x
Verse 2:
Listening for your still small voice,
I begin to understand you
To feel the depth of your peace,
and the wholeness of our hope in you and I thank you.
Chorus repeat
Bridge:
You loved, you lived, you died.
You were our holy lamb
Holy are you God!
Chorus
End with bridge

Well, there it is.
I hope that you all like it and that someone can help me with the chords. I'm not that good with matching the words with a tune.
Thanks!

-Your avid songwriter

A Secret

I have a secret.
Not a bad one. But a secret nonetheless.
Ya know how, as Christians, we are supposed to read out Bible every day?
Well I don't.
And I'm sure that a lot of Christians don't read their Bibles everyday either.
That's not the secret.
I'm scared to open my Bible.
I know. That probably sounds really really stupid.
Why would somebody be afraid to open their Bible?
Well, let me tell you about somebody who would be afraid to open theirs.
Me.
A girl who thinks that her dad's death was her fault, who was depressed for years and is still battling with depression, an ex-cutter, a filthy sinner.
That's who I am.
And I hate it.
I hate it so much.
But try as I might there is nothing that I can do to change my past.
But their is something that I can do about my future.

Yesterday night I was praying. I was feeling super overwhelmed and was having a really hard time not feeling depressed. And let me tell you, I was losing.
I leaned over and picked up my Bible. Not really sure if I wanted to chance opening it.
But I did.
And when I opened it, it fell open to Psalm 61. I have to show this!
Psalm 61: 1-5
"Hear my cry, O God.;
listen to my prayer.
From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher that I.
For you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against my foe.
I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.
For you have heard my vows, O God;
you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name."

I mean, that quenched my fear right there. I felt like I was reading my thoughts. This was exactly what I was thinking, accept that I was too scared to say it out loud.
God is so good.
I know that He is beginning a work in me that I can't even begin to comprehend.
Just thought I'd let you know that.
Even in our darkest days, God still cares for us. And He knows what we need.
:)