I have something else to show you. Normally I don't blog every day. It's normally just once a week or when I can squeeze some free time in my crazily packed day. But today is a little bit different.
I think you already knew this, but I'm going to remind you, I write songs. And when I have something come up that's either super sad, or it makes me really mad, or crazily happy, I write.
Basically when my emotions are on overdrive the words just roll out without me even thinking about it.
I either write songs or poetry. I like the songs better.
About a week ago my emotions were on overdrive again. And this time it was a sad overdrive.
So I wrote a song.
And I think it's pretty good.
I want to share this one with you.
I really hope that you guys like it.
The Thought of You
Verse 1:
It started in high school and we were both scared.
We had never felt this way before.
A few days later and it was second nature.
Everyone thought that we were perfect together.
I had made plans that would last forever...
Chorus:
Now we're holding hands like we'll never let go.
Every single hug seems to last forever.
It wasn't so long ago you were mine.
Now the thought of you brings tears to my eyes.
Verse 2:
We go together like pb&j.
Why does life have to play us this way?
We were just fine until life interrupted.
I guess we're too old to believe in happily ever after,
But I sure thought you were mine...
Chorus:
Now we're holding hands like we'll never let go.
Every single hug seems to last forever.
It wasn't so long ago you were mine.
Now the thought of you brings tears to my eyes.
Bridge:
So naive, yet so strong.
I think I love you, maybe one day I'll know.
The ride we're on is so bumpy.
But one day it may slow down to you and me.
I guess we'll have to wait and see
Chorus:
Now we're holding hands like we'll never let go.
Every single hug seems to last forever.
It wasn't so long ago you were mine.
Now the thought of you brings tears to my eyes.
There it is!
The problem I have when I write songs is that I can't ever get a tune that I like to match up with the words.But one of my best friends is really good with getting the lyrics, and not the words.
I need to hit her up!
Ha ha. Well thanks for reading my song.
I just felt like y'all would enjoy that. Hope you did!
Singing me home,
The unsuccessful songwriter
31 July 2012
30 July 2012
Think About It
I've been thinking. I know. But before you stop reading my post take a second to think about what I've been thinking about.
Sorry. That was just a little confusing.
What I'm trying to say is, hear me out first!
The past two weeks have been, trying. I got in trouble with my mother. Not my favorite thing to type out on the Internet, but I'm just being brutally honest here. Honesty is always the best policy!
And so I'm grounded from a few things. And from a few people. But you know, it's all good. I'm learning something here. Something important. I'm learning to be honest. I'm learning to have more integrity in my life. And I'm discovering what purity really means to me.
Now before you stop reading my post...again. Think.
Honesty?
Integrity?
Purity?
What do they really mean to you?
What do they really mean to me?
Honesty
Meaning- The quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness.
Freedom from deceit or fraud.
Chastity.
This is honesty. When I take a second to look back at my life, to think, do I see this? Is honesty one of the main qualities that I cherish in my life?
Honestly, I don't think so.
I don't tell lies. And when I do they are only little white ones. An exaggeration of the truth, a small assumption to keep me out of trouble, leaving a person out of a narrative when talking to an adult. Just little stuff here and there.
I'm not a gossip. But when I do gossip it's only about the important stuff. How someone said something about someone else that was just totally unfair! Or how much I hate this one person because of something they implied to me.
You see? We always have excuses for the little stuff. But once you start discarding the little stuff, the bigger and more frequent the little stuff can get. And that's what is happening in my life right now. I am paying the consequences of not being an honest person.
Integrity
Meaning- Adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.
Integrity=Honesty. You can't have one without the other.
As part of my punishment my mom is having me live out the word integrity. It's a coincidence really. Because the week before at my church internship called Element, we had to spell out the word integrity with dominoes. We had to define the word. We had to be an example of integrity.
And now here I am, having to suddenly live out integrity in my life. It's a great quality. One that I don't think you can live without.
It's such a deep word. Meaning one thing. But trying to live out integrity in your daily life? Be known because you are a person with great integrity? I would say that that's almost an impossible feat. By yourself that is. But I'm not doing it by myself. I have my mom to help me. My best friends. My youth pastor. And Jesus. The best helper of all.
Purity
Meaning- The condition or quality of being pure; freedom from anything that debases, contaminates, pollutes, etc.
Freedom from guilt or evil; innocence
Physical chastity; virginity
My mom wants to know what I believe purity is. That's actually a lot easier said than done. I always thought that purity was this:
I have a purity ring. I wear it everyday.
I will not have sex before marriage.
I will not cheat on my boyfriend, or someday my husband.
I will dress modestly.
And all of these things are part of purity.
But purity is more than all of this. Purity is an action. Just like honesty and integrity, purity has to be lived out daily. It is something that you have to make a decision about on a daily basis. And it's not easy. It takes time, effort, and commitment. And I have all three of those qualities. I will make time, I will give 100%, and I commit to doing this. But like I said earlier, much easier said than done.
Purity is an action. A life choice. It's not something to be taken lightly.
Take the time to think. When you look at your life, do you see purity? If you were to make an evaluation of yourself, would purity be one of your strongest qualities? Can you brag about it? Would you want to?
I'm just asking. And thinking.
It's good to think. To take a second and look at yourself. From your own eyes. Not from your parents, or your siblings, or your boyfriends, but your own.
Look at yourself. And think.
Know yourself. And be yourself.
I'm just saying, think about it.
I want you to look at your life as this. You are set apart. We are in this world but not of it. A city on a hill that can not be taken.
Treasure your life. Own it! Live it to the fullest!
I just want you to know that this life is yours. Make the most of it.
But while you are doing that, define these three words.
Honesty.
Integrity.
Purity.
This is for both girls and guys! These are qualities that both genders should have and cherish.
If you can life out these three actions on a daily basis, then you're doing pretty good.And I applaud you for that! No, I esteem you for that! You are amazing if you can take a step back and say, "I possess all of these! I live these out on a daily basis and I'm down right excited to be able to say that!"
That's my goal.
It took a lot of thinking for me to be able to say those three words. "That's my goal." But when you think about it, it's truly amazing too. My goal is to be the best me that I can be while living out honesty, integrity, and purity in my life.
I was just thinking...and this is what came out. Thanks for picking my brain!
Thoughtfully,
Just Thinking
Sorry. That was just a little confusing.
What I'm trying to say is, hear me out first!
The past two weeks have been, trying. I got in trouble with my mother. Not my favorite thing to type out on the Internet, but I'm just being brutally honest here. Honesty is always the best policy!
And so I'm grounded from a few things. And from a few people. But you know, it's all good. I'm learning something here. Something important. I'm learning to be honest. I'm learning to have more integrity in my life. And I'm discovering what purity really means to me.
Now before you stop reading my post...again. Think.
Honesty?
Integrity?
Purity?
What do they really mean to you?
What do they really mean to me?
Honesty
Meaning- The quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness.
Freedom from deceit or fraud.
Chastity.
This is honesty. When I take a second to look back at my life, to think, do I see this? Is honesty one of the main qualities that I cherish in my life?
Honestly, I don't think so.
I don't tell lies. And when I do they are only little white ones. An exaggeration of the truth, a small assumption to keep me out of trouble, leaving a person out of a narrative when talking to an adult. Just little stuff here and there.
I'm not a gossip. But when I do gossip it's only about the important stuff. How someone said something about someone else that was just totally unfair! Or how much I hate this one person because of something they implied to me.
You see? We always have excuses for the little stuff. But once you start discarding the little stuff, the bigger and more frequent the little stuff can get. And that's what is happening in my life right now. I am paying the consequences of not being an honest person.
Integrity
Meaning- Adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.
Integrity=Honesty. You can't have one without the other.
As part of my punishment my mom is having me live out the word integrity. It's a coincidence really. Because the week before at my church internship called Element, we had to spell out the word integrity with dominoes. We had to define the word. We had to be an example of integrity.
And now here I am, having to suddenly live out integrity in my life. It's a great quality. One that I don't think you can live without.
It's such a deep word. Meaning one thing. But trying to live out integrity in your daily life? Be known because you are a person with great integrity? I would say that that's almost an impossible feat. By yourself that is. But I'm not doing it by myself. I have my mom to help me. My best friends. My youth pastor. And Jesus. The best helper of all.
Purity
Meaning- The condition or quality of being pure; freedom from anything that debases, contaminates, pollutes, etc.
Freedom from guilt or evil; innocence
Physical chastity; virginity
My mom wants to know what I believe purity is. That's actually a lot easier said than done. I always thought that purity was this:
I have a purity ring. I wear it everyday.
I will not have sex before marriage.
I will not cheat on my boyfriend, or someday my husband.
I will dress modestly.
And all of these things are part of purity.
But purity is more than all of this. Purity is an action. Just like honesty and integrity, purity has to be lived out daily. It is something that you have to make a decision about on a daily basis. And it's not easy. It takes time, effort, and commitment. And I have all three of those qualities. I will make time, I will give 100%, and I commit to doing this. But like I said earlier, much easier said than done.
Purity is an action. A life choice. It's not something to be taken lightly.
Take the time to think. When you look at your life, do you see purity? If you were to make an evaluation of yourself, would purity be one of your strongest qualities? Can you brag about it? Would you want to?
I'm just asking. And thinking.
It's good to think. To take a second and look at yourself. From your own eyes. Not from your parents, or your siblings, or your boyfriends, but your own.
Look at yourself. And think.
Know yourself. And be yourself.
I'm just saying, think about it.
I want you to look at your life as this. You are set apart. We are in this world but not of it. A city on a hill that can not be taken.
Treasure your life. Own it! Live it to the fullest!
I just want you to know that this life is yours. Make the most of it.
But while you are doing that, define these three words.
Honesty.
Integrity.
Purity.
This is for both girls and guys! These are qualities that both genders should have and cherish.
If you can life out these three actions on a daily basis, then you're doing pretty good.
That's my goal.
It took a lot of thinking for me to be able to say those three words. "That's my goal." But when you think about it, it's truly amazing too. My goal is to be the best me that I can be while living out honesty, integrity, and purity in my life.
I was just thinking...and this is what came out. Thanks for picking my brain!
Thoughtfully,
Just Thinking
16 July 2012
Just Little Old Me
A few days ago I was reading a blog. This blog is greatly under read. The woman is amazing. And a role model of mine. You have to check out her blog.
www.themeandminebook.blogspot.com
Anyways, I read her one post titled "If you really knew me." And it got me thinking. Who really knows me? Not you. I think. So I'm going to tell you about me. But just a little bit.
If you really knew me you'd know...
That's about it for today. I love you guys and I hope that you now feel like you know me a little bit more.
Until next time!
<3 <3 <3
www.themeandminebook.blogspot.com
Anyways, I read her one post titled "If you really knew me." And it got me thinking. Who really knows me? Not you. I think. So I'm going to tell you about me. But just a little bit.
If you really knew me you'd know...
- I am a book fanatic! I always have to have a book to read. The past week I have not had a book. I finished the one I was reading, The Three Musketeers by Alexandre Dumas. AMAZING!
- I only have one little sister. But have four cousins that are currently living with me and that I now consider as my siblings.
- I play classical piano and acoustic guitar. I have been taking piano for about five years and guitar for almost two years. My dream is to switch over to electric guitar, but my mom doesn't agree.
- I was a vegetarian for a year. Yeah, you read that right! And I loved it!
- Me and my two best friends are now on a "cleansing fast". Today we are only drinking water and juice. Remind me again why I agreed to do this?
- I have the best friends in the entire world! They love me sooo much! They always make me happy and know when we just need to talk or sit in silence. Shout out to Lexie, Karena, and Marie! I don't know what I would do without you girls.
- I am with the best guy in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 And I have no idea how it even happened. :)
- I'm pretty sure that I gave myself a concussion on Friday. I hit my head on my little sister's headboard, I don't really remember.
- My dream is to be a pediatric nurse in a cancer center. Intense. But totally worthwhile.
- I am constantly popping all my knuckles in my hands. A super bad habit.
- I can turn both of my arms completely around. I'm double jointed. Years and years of ballet have made it a perfection.
- My favorite color is purple! I have an obsession with it. My phone case is purple, my walls and bedspread used to be purple, I have a purple person poster, purple shoes, purple clothes, purple nail polish, purple perfume, purple socks, and purple guitar stickers.
- I have SUPER curly hair! And I absolutely love it.
- I also have an obsession with Vera Bradley. If you don't know what that is....you need help.
That's about it for today. I love you guys and I hope that you now feel like you know me a little bit more.
Until next time!
<3 <3 <3
09 July 2012
Throughout the Tears
The past 13 days have been...well, how do I say this?
Trying.
Confusing.
Frustrating.
Irritating.
Depressing.
All that jazz.
Life is so disappointing.
I'm not going to go into any details...really.
Let's just say that my small 3 person family...is now a large 7 person family.
Yeah! Crazy right? My thoughts exactly.
Ha! It's actually kind of funny, now that I think about it. My family practically doubled. Wow!
Last night I kind of had an explosion.
Ha!
It was so stupid. One of the new four members of my family is a two year old. And we found a sharpie. And the sharpie met my guitar case. And it's permanent. Music is my life. And I was super pissed! You can imagine!
So I started sobbing. Over something as stupid as that!
I wasn't really crying about that.
Only 16 more days....then it will have been four years.
I just can't even think about it.
That's what I was really crying about.
And then I watched the movie "Letters to God."
If you have ever seen that movie than you are probably tearing up right now. It's sooo sad! The little boy has cancer...and every day he writes a letter to God. He prays to Him through writing. Sweetest thing ever. In the end the little boy dies.
It just reminds me of my daddy. How we prayed to God every single day to heal him. And yet...He didn't.
I was reading through my journal again...
And I came across another entry. If you don't mind I want to share this one with you too.
Article #49 7/21/11
"Changes that have occurred in my life since I have become a Christian:
I see the sin in my life more clearly.
I feel bad when I do sin.
I have less tolerance for sin in my life.
I see sin more clearly in others lives.
I want to get closer to God.
Now every time that I cry I know that Jesus is wiping away my tears. I know that He is collecting them in a bottle. It feels like every time I cry my heart gets cleaner. Some black chunk that has been loosed is coming out. I just hope that my heart cleans out fast."
I thought about this entry last night when I was crying.
I just want you to know that I didn't become a Christian when I wrote that. I became a Christian back when I was 6 years old. But that was when I rededicated my life to Him. I have done that so many times since I stopped cutting. I guess that you can never really feel completely clean on the inside when you've done something like that. Or maybe eventually you do...but it must take a lot of time and patience.
I hope that you guys are really enjoying reading my diary. Because you guys are the only ones, besides me, who have ever read anything in it. And I seriously can't believe that I am posting this on the Internet. But you guys mean something really special to me. Even though I don't personally know like any of you, and probably you don't me personally at all. Except through this, of course. But I love you guys so much!
It is because of you that I do this. Seriously, when I feel depressed or down I blog. Sorry if most of my posts are a little bit of a downer. I just have to get it out somewhere!
I hope that you are having an amazing summer! I know that I am! Love you soooo much!
Lovingly,
Your very tired author
Trying.
Confusing.
Frustrating.
Irritating.
Depressing.
All that jazz.
Life is so disappointing.
I'm not going to go into any details...really.
Let's just say that my small 3 person family...is now a large 7 person family.
Yeah! Crazy right? My thoughts exactly.
Ha! It's actually kind of funny, now that I think about it. My family practically doubled. Wow!
Last night I kind of had an explosion.
Ha!
It was so stupid. One of the new four members of my family is a two year old. And we found a sharpie. And the sharpie met my guitar case. And it's permanent. Music is my life. And I was super pissed! You can imagine!
So I started sobbing. Over something as stupid as that!
I wasn't really crying about that.
Only 16 more days....then it will have been four years.
I just can't even think about it.
That's what I was really crying about.
And then I watched the movie "Letters to God."
If you have ever seen that movie than you are probably tearing up right now. It's sooo sad! The little boy has cancer...and every day he writes a letter to God. He prays to Him through writing. Sweetest thing ever. In the end the little boy dies.
It just reminds me of my daddy. How we prayed to God every single day to heal him. And yet...He didn't.
I was reading through my journal again...
And I came across another entry. If you don't mind I want to share this one with you too.
Article #49 7/21/11
"Changes that have occurred in my life since I have become a Christian:
I see the sin in my life more clearly.
I feel bad when I do sin.
I have less tolerance for sin in my life.
I see sin more clearly in others lives.
I want to get closer to God.
Now every time that I cry I know that Jesus is wiping away my tears. I know that He is collecting them in a bottle. It feels like every time I cry my heart gets cleaner. Some black chunk that has been loosed is coming out. I just hope that my heart cleans out fast."
I thought about this entry last night when I was crying.
I just want you to know that I didn't become a Christian when I wrote that. I became a Christian back when I was 6 years old. But that was when I rededicated my life to Him. I have done that so many times since I stopped cutting. I guess that you can never really feel completely clean on the inside when you've done something like that. Or maybe eventually you do...but it must take a lot of time and patience.
I hope that you guys are really enjoying reading my diary. Because you guys are the only ones, besides me, who have ever read anything in it. And I seriously can't believe that I am posting this on the Internet. But you guys mean something really special to me. Even though I don't personally know like any of you, and probably you don't me personally at all. Except through this, of course. But I love you guys so much!
It is because of you that I do this. Seriously, when I feel depressed or down I blog. Sorry if most of my posts are a little bit of a downer. I just have to get it out somewhere!
I hope that you are having an amazing summer! I know that I am! Love you soooo much!
Lovingly,
Your very tired author
05 July 2012
You Learned your Lesson
Today is a very important day for me. It's such a bittersweet day.
Today marks the one year anniversary of me being cut-free.
On this very day last year my mom found me out. She read all my texts and we had a two hour conversation.
I handled it very bad. And very immature.
I haven't hurt myself with any kind of blade for exactly one year.
That is such a huge accomplishment on my part. I never thought that I would get over that addiction.
I still haven't completely gotton over it. And I don't think I ever will.
But I am handling it a lot better than I did at the beginning.
I told you that at camp I felt like the spirit of depression was broken off of me. And it has. I no longer feel this lingering cloud of depression hanging over my head. It's the most amazing feeling in the world.
But the feeling of depression still comes and goes a little now and then. And when it comes back....that's when I want to cut.
And I want all of that stronghold to leave my life. But a part of me doesn't want it to.
That sounds so bad but I'm just being totally honest here!
I really wish that I didn't feel like that.
It saddens me.
But I will conquer it. And with God's help...I may never cut again.
But I wanted to share something with you.
I never show anybody what I write in my diary, but there is this one excerpt that I read a little while ago that I just have to share with you guys.
Here goes.
Article #54 8/23/11
"Life is but a vapor, just like a dream it vanishes with the morning. But the effects last a lot longer. I don't understand a lot of things but I do know that it will eventually get better. I mean, how could it get any worse than what it is now?
Life is so unfair! But then what is fair? If all things were fair than I should be damned to hell. But Jesus has rescued me! He is the only one who would die so that I could be with him for eternity in Heaven. It's such a frightening concept, but it is so beautiful. I mean, God loves me! He loves me! A sinner who can't see past my own nose. But yet he died for me. I just can't believe that someone could even love me that much; yet He does."
I wrote this just a little bit after my mom found out about my problem. It's amazing how much a person can change in just the course of a year.
I was thinking today, my friends must have loved me a LOT to have put up with me the past two years. I was a jerk! I never realized how much of one I was until recently.
About a week ago I was reading in the book of Joshua. And while I was reading I just felt like God was desperately trying to tell me something. I just started praying and then finished reading.
Here are the verses that read. I was so astounded! I was crying, and laughing, and just in pure amazement. God is so creative.
Joshua 7:10, 12b-13
"The Lord said to Joshua, "Stand up! What are you doing down on your face?
I will not be with you anymore unless you destroy whatever among you is devoted to destruction. Go, consecrate yourselves in preparation for tomorrow; for this is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: That which is devoted is among you, O Israel. You cannot stand against your enemies until you remove it."
Wow. I just read those and was like "did you write that for me?"
I was just super shocked to find those verses. I didn't even know they were in there.
It just shows how important it is to read your Bible. I don't want to sound preachy or anything, but, you have to read your Bible. I didn't realize that till recently. And my life has been so much better! In every aspect.
Those verses are saying, get up! Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop being depressed. Life is an adventure. And yours sucks!
You have stuff in your life that is going to destroy you.
For me, it's cutting and depression.
For you, it may be drugs, sex, your music, friends, family, anything.
But whatever it is, you have to get rid of it. Because only then will you be strong enough to conquer your enemies.
I don't know about you, but I hate losing. It's the worst feeling in the world. I plan on winning this battle in my life. My enemies, the devil, they aren't going to get the best of me.
Ya know, your going to realize that those obstacles that you are facing right now aren't half as strong as you are. You are going to get over this. But you have to get up off your face!
Now!
Please do it soon.
Lovingly,
Don't do what I did.
Today marks the one year anniversary of me being cut-free.
On this very day last year my mom found me out. She read all my texts and we had a two hour conversation.
I handled it very bad. And very immature.
I haven't hurt myself with any kind of blade for exactly one year.
That is such a huge accomplishment on my part. I never thought that I would get over that addiction.
I still haven't completely gotton over it. And I don't think I ever will.
But I am handling it a lot better than I did at the beginning.
I told you that at camp I felt like the spirit of depression was broken off of me. And it has. I no longer feel this lingering cloud of depression hanging over my head. It's the most amazing feeling in the world.
But the feeling of depression still comes and goes a little now and then. And when it comes back....that's when I want to cut.
And I want all of that stronghold to leave my life. But a part of me doesn't want it to.
That sounds so bad but I'm just being totally honest here!
I really wish that I didn't feel like that.
It saddens me.
But I will conquer it. And with God's help...I may never cut again.
But I wanted to share something with you.
I never show anybody what I write in my diary, but there is this one excerpt that I read a little while ago that I just have to share with you guys.
Here goes.
Article #54 8/23/11
"Life is but a vapor, just like a dream it vanishes with the morning. But the effects last a lot longer. I don't understand a lot of things but I do know that it will eventually get better. I mean, how could it get any worse than what it is now?
Life is so unfair! But then what is fair? If all things were fair than I should be damned to hell. But Jesus has rescued me! He is the only one who would die so that I could be with him for eternity in Heaven. It's such a frightening concept, but it is so beautiful. I mean, God loves me! He loves me! A sinner who can't see past my own nose. But yet he died for me. I just can't believe that someone could even love me that much; yet He does."
I wrote this just a little bit after my mom found out about my problem. It's amazing how much a person can change in just the course of a year.
I was thinking today, my friends must have loved me a LOT to have put up with me the past two years. I was a jerk! I never realized how much of one I was until recently.
About a week ago I was reading in the book of Joshua. And while I was reading I just felt like God was desperately trying to tell me something. I just started praying and then finished reading.
Here are the verses that read. I was so astounded! I was crying, and laughing, and just in pure amazement. God is so creative.
Joshua 7:10, 12b-13
"The Lord said to Joshua, "Stand up! What are you doing down on your face?
I will not be with you anymore unless you destroy whatever among you is devoted to destruction. Go, consecrate yourselves in preparation for tomorrow; for this is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: That which is devoted is among you, O Israel. You cannot stand against your enemies until you remove it."
Wow. I just read those and was like "did you write that for me?"
I was just super shocked to find those verses. I didn't even know they were in there.
It just shows how important it is to read your Bible. I don't want to sound preachy or anything, but, you have to read your Bible. I didn't realize that till recently. And my life has been so much better! In every aspect.
Those verses are saying, get up! Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop being depressed. Life is an adventure. And yours sucks!
You have stuff in your life that is going to destroy you.
For me, it's cutting and depression.
For you, it may be drugs, sex, your music, friends, family, anything.
But whatever it is, you have to get rid of it. Because only then will you be strong enough to conquer your enemies.
I don't know about you, but I hate losing. It's the worst feeling in the world. I plan on winning this battle in my life. My enemies, the devil, they aren't going to get the best of me.
Ya know, your going to realize that those obstacles that you are facing right now aren't half as strong as you are. You are going to get over this. But you have to get up off your face!
Now!
Please do it soon.
Lovingly,
Don't do what I did.
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